Heave Media

EDITORS NOTE: So, Ben went and got himself banned from Facebook. It's pretty funny and, also, pretty adult. Some of the links in the original version of Ben's article are NSFW, and I wouldn't want to go and get you in trouble now. So, assume that all the links here are NSFW. The ones that are REALLY NSFW are linked to a censored version. You can link out to the uncensored version from there, but you're on your own in that case. Actually, we're all nihilists, so we kind of believe you're on your own anyway.

Soundtrack: Ol' Dirty Bastard - Osirus: The Official Mixtape. Pelican - The Fire In Our Throats Will Beckon The Thaw. A Perfect Circle - aMOTION.

Getting Banned from Facebook Is hard work for no reason.

Or, why I'm not writing about the iPad.

So, a few weeks ago I decided that I wanted off Facebook; for good, if I could help it. Only after a minor provocation from Facebook did I really set myself to this asinine task. I knew that requesting my account information to be redacted by any official means was either too involved or too boring. Taking off every one of my photos one by one or writing a polite e-mail to the faceless account support crew. Just hitting the lights in some sad, prom-is-over, blasé goodbye. Fuck that. This is Facebook, home to some of the most amazing social faux pas the modern age has to offer. So why not just give my offering to the dung heap and see if I can't get it to reject me, instead? I really gave myself pause when I decided I wanted to do this for real, settling on some sort of planned action. However, I had to do this within not only my own social circles but also people who barely knew me and had previously never heard of me. You know, blend in, do as the locals do. This would most certainly get messy; ending up in some real NSFW situations. Most of which would be / were really entertaining (for me). 

This whole idiotic plot was, originally, something I had done before, in lesser terms. At least twice before I've removed my information from Facebook in some capacity or another. Initially, removing just my photos and all my info, leaving my account active as a placeholder, escalating each time. The reasons are silly and personal but I found myself feeling the same with each release of the account. Facebook, used as intended, is a valuable social tool. However, nobody uses a fun toy like it's intended, not if it's free and really easy to use.  This time it had been ruminating for at least a year or so as a result of not only real social drama, but just sheer boredom with the site itself. Having whittled my friends list down to a meager 40+ people this wasn't going to be too public a task. I didn't really worry about offending anybody important or besmirching anything I might be involved with. Armed with this knowledge I could warn my friends and family that a storm of asses & penises was inbound. Sadly, this was not the case.

After a minor infraction was incurred over an admittedly racy photo, I set out on a war of cuss words and poor behavior. At this point I was just being a malcontent, similar to a spoiled child. I thought that if I cried loud enough I would get some attention and get what I wanted. Not the case, as my new profile picture only solicited me another tiny slap on the wrist. Again, this only egged me on, as playing troll seemed a little more daunting than I expected.Now, before we go any further, I should just make it clear: don't click my links. Seriously, if you value your most recent meal and your job, just don't do it. Almost four days went by before I decided to change my profile picture to something racier than just foul language and a weak taunt aimed at the site administrators. 

With the newest threat to my status as a user on face book came the realization that this, too, was kind of impotent. Without the ability to actually force people to be offended I wouldn't draw the attention of the moderators or administrators. People had to report me. I could only grin at the possibility of really doing any damage. Now I've had some risky stuff on my Facebook profile before, but none as dodgy as what I intended on posting. 

 
With that, friends and colleauges were all making suggestions on how to escalate it to where there was no other choice but to ban me. A few were weak, such as the recommendation of seppukoo.com or just, again, deleting my content or closing down the show. It came rather easily that I would have to spread the word to the public, in order to incur enough warnings in a short period so I would have to be censured and removed. Something of an epileptic fit of photo posting ensued.

My first target was a public group called "WE NEED MOAR INTARNETS" granted, these were the kinds of people used to shock photos and crude humor. Where really nasty people come to be elitists about how nasty they can be. Good people, the kind you want in some sort of mental ward. The typically antisocial and apathetic group simply removed, after an hour or so, my taunt now rendered ineffective. So I proceeded to post it again, getting a few bland comments. This one ended up staying put for the rest of the day, surprisingly. I guess, in the right audience, anything becomes acceptable. I decided to go for easier bait, eventually. These people were hardly batting an eye at my shenanigans.

Time to turn it up to 11, as it were. I took the offending man-ass and posted it on the official Jersey Shore fan page. I swear to god, nobody noticed. How could they anyway? They've already been staring at a bunch of assholes. What's one more? That heinous anus then became my profile picture, as a continued-strike effort. Anybody who viewed my updates were now getting 24/7 man-hole straight to their homes. A few folks complained of the offense, though not many. I simply explained that if it was so distressing they should take one of the many routes Facebook and real life offer to cease being offended. You can hide me from your feed, "de-friend" me, report me or, here's a thought, just don't fucking look at the large version of my profile picture. Don't complain about a 25 by 25 pixel image when the 800 by 600 version is a voluntary offense you knowingly committed upon yourself. That usually had the discontent in a quieter place, however it wasn't really getting me where I wanted to go.

Realizing that both the internet meme addict and the average MTV fan probably had the sense to either remove the photos or just report them, I decided to start ruffling feathers instead. So I turned to some obvious targets, by posting my pictures on a FB nazi fanpage, in addition to bill O’Reilly’s fanpage. While the nazi group I joined, that's a lowercase 'n' just how they spelled it, didn't seem perturbed at first, I got a response from one very upset 17 year old girl with a suspiciously ethnic last name and appearance. After debating the merits of Hitler and maturity with me, even thought I never asked her opinion, I grew tired and impatient. I moved on to Bill O'Reilly's fan page, completely open to the public, let loose. In true form an O'Reilly fan replied to the picture of gaping man-anus with a poorly written comparison to "Obama's plan for the economy." I had to laugh, as that was the most emphatic response yet. 

I was really at the end of my rope, at this point. My continuous antagonizing of the members of at least 3 different groups really wasn't getting the job done, so I took it a step further. Why not just offend my friends straight out? So my last resort was gay porn; not just the normal stuff either, photoshopped celeb-porn. This time Robert Downey Jr. was giving Jude Law a rather friendly buggering on my close-friend Luz's wall. I knew this should probably take the cake, as I had tagged her boyfriend and myself in the photo. This, along with the continued abuse of the others groups began getting me the views and offenses I was looking for. So finally, towards the end of the day I got the axe, as I tried to log on from another location. "Ben Kessell your account has been suspended, do you want to appeal?" Hell no. You jokers just did me a favor. Left to puzzle over the final straw for Facebook, I proudly revealed my new pariah status to my girlfriend. Her response? "I was the one who flagged you, I'm glad you're banned now."

That's nerd love, everybody. Until next week!