Heave Media

It’s a well known fact that the writers and editors at HEAVE are love gods; in fact, before we started the site we were all in an R & B group called The Love Gods, but we had to disband after our first live performance devolved into a Caligula-like orgy and we all wound up on trial for public indecency. 

The point I’m making is that we know sex and relationships. And that’s why you should trust our expert opinion when it comes to problems in these areas. We’re hereby announcing a new weekly column where HEAVE’s editors and writers will offer you, faithful reader, advice on love and relationship issues. The first question in this grand experiment comes from Sarah in Urbana, IL: 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months and things are going really well. My problem is that he refuses to confirm my relationship request on Facebook because he says that he hates having everyone know everything about his life. My friends say it’s not official unless it’s Facebook official, and that he’s hiding something, but I’m not sure what to think. Help? –Sarah B., Urbana, IL. 

First and foremost, you should stop listening to your friends, seeing as they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. And that’s not their fault; no, there’s some sort of weird universal law wherein a group of girlfriends offering advice to a friend in a relationship invariably have asinine suggestions and regulations: “It’s not official unless he boils six cups of water and amputates his good arm for you,” and that sort of thing.  

That said, the question of whether he’s hiding something depends on a lot of different factors.  For example, what do you define as “dating”? Have you guys been out to dinners, movies, and bars together? Is it presumed that you’ll be spending some time together on the weekends? Or is he the guy that came over one night to watch “Lost” and you two ended up making out? The point I’m making is that while you see the online relationship status as a confirmation of what “you two” already are, he might have a different perspective. Maybe he thinks it’s something casual, and that confirming a relationship on Facebook is more of a commitment than he was expecting (although that would make your friends right, and thereby invalidate my whole first point, so let’s pretend you didn’t just read this ).  

There’s also the possibility that he’s telling the truth, and he really would just prefer to not announce certain things about his life to the whole Facebook-reading world. So, in essence, I’m answering your question with a non-answer. Lucky you. There’s really only one thing you can do: Talk to him about it. In the end, though, any relationship that hinges on whether or not a bunch of people from high school that you never liked anyway have the ability to find out about it probably isn’t very strong in the first place. Snap! 

So here's a question: Do circumcised penises get harder than uncircumcised ones during sex? I'm dating a man who's uncircumcised and sometimes I feel like he's going to bend in half. Never been a problem with the circumcised fellers. --Katie S., New york, NY.

My first suggestion would be that you never actually bring this up to the guy you're currently dating; "Hey, how come your uncircumcised penis doesn't get hard enough for adequate sex?" isn't good dinner conversation unless it's Thanksgiving with my relatives. If you ask him about it all you'll do is make him self-conscious and then it will probably be months before he gets another erection.

I did an exhaustive 3-minute Google search on this topic, and from what I can tell there is no anatomical reason for circumcision to affect blood flow to the penis, which in turn means it shouldn't mess with the strength of an erection. So there's a couple of possibilities we should consider in your case:

1)  What kind of sex are you having? If you feel like "he's going to bend in half" from some pretty standard positions then it makes sense for you to be worried. But if you're suspended from the ceiling by chicken wire with a leather mask over your face and the two of you need a safety word, then it might not be fair to blame the problem on him.

2) There's a strong chance that the issue is with your guy, but not with every uncircumcised male on the planet. He may just have trouble getting the type of erection that you need. If that's the case, I see "performance-enhancing" pills advertised all the time on television after midnight. Maybe he would be open to trying some. Or maybe you can just lace his drinks with them.

If you have a sex or relationship problem you can write to us at heave.problems@gmail.com.