Ups and Downs
Please, Australia, do not piss off Justin Bieber fans. The recompense will be swift and terrible.
Up: Bieber madness: It’s a well-established fact that Justin Bieber is the single most talented artist on the face of the planet. With the voice of a eunuch angel and a knack for lyrics that suggest Wallace Stevens as a major influence (“Many have called but the chosen is you, whateva you want shawty I’ll give it to you”), Bieber has conquered the planet in a storm of overwrought pre-pubescent excitement. All you have to do is watch the video for “Baby, Baby, Baby” to know that you’re dealing with an unstoppable force of entertainment:
The best part of the video is when Bieber and his racially diverse group of friends have a dance-off with the girls at the bowling alley; of course, they don’t tell you about the incredibly high stakes: LOSER DIES. Still, even having seen this video, I had no idea that Bieber’s fans were attempting to conquer the world as well.
But really, there’s no other way to describe the massive riot that nearly killed a bunch of teenagers in Sydney, Australia, as 5,000 fans who camped out overnight (why?) in anticipation of Bieber’s performance at Sydney Harbour rushed the venue when a rumor broke out that the pop star had arrived early. According to the Associated Press, eight girls were taken to the hospital, one of whom suffered a fractured kneecap. Look, I’ve broken a lot of bones and that still sounds incredibly painful. Police claimed that at least 10 girls fainted due to the immense crush of the crowd, but what they didn’t realize is that most of those girls fainted because someone stupidly passed this picture around.
According to the story, Sydney police ordered the venue to CANCEL the concert when the crowd could not be contained. "They wouldn't listen to our directions, so hence they left us with no option," said Deputy Commissioner Dave Owens to a local newspaper. Um, what?? A few thoughts:
1) Are teenage girls substantially stronger in Australia than everywhere else in the world? What do you mean the crowd “couldn’t be contained”? Were they bionic girls? DOES AUSTRALIA HAVE BIONIC GIRLS?? I wasn’t scared before, but I sure as hell am now. The police clearly should have brought out the riot gear and the rubber bullets. Get that shit on lockdown, mates.
2) Doesn’t canceling the concert give the crowd more incentive to riot? The authorities are lucky the swarm of teens didn’t burn the harbor and loot local businesses. Don’t anger Justin Bieber, Australia. He commands an army of hormonal teenagers that will rise up like an unrelenting hell beast to follow his orders. All he has to do is say the word and the next thing you know they’re annexing Poland. Let’s be careful here.
Down: Wasting my Hershey’s: In what’s sure to be a landmark article in the journal of No Fucking Way, Are You Serious?! And Other Sarcastic Questions, researchers from two University of California schools have released a study claiming a correlation between depression and chocolate consumption. I know it doesn’t seem like the research could be as useless as it sounds, but somehow, miraculously, it manages to be even more so. All the study shows is that people who are depressed eat more servings of chocolate in a given month than those who report higher levels of satisfaction or happiness—about 8.4 servings to 5.4 servings, respectively.
But the authors of the study make sure to point out that they have no god damn idea why the correlation exists. It could be that chocolate is a mood elevator, and so the depressed seek it out for a temporary lift. Or, it could be that, like alcohol, chocolate only temporarily enhances moods and ultimately leaves the person feeling more depressed once they crash.* OR, say the researchers, it could be that chocolate causes depression, and thus people who eat more of it are also more likely to feel depressed. The one thing that the study did definitively conclude was that this research would in no way cure cancer, fix the environment, or do something about the economy.
*I should clarify that it was the researchers at the University of California that used this analogy. I would never say anything bad about sweet, sweet alcohol.
Posted by Ryan Peters, Ryan Peters on Apr 26, 2010 @ 12:00 am
