Ups And Downs
101 consecutive days of boot knocking is up, while Craig T. Nelson is down (again).
Up: Keeping the love flowing: Normally, the only legitimate reason to watch The Today Show is to witness the unintentionally sexually suggestive ways in which Willard Scott can wish happy birthday to a 106-year-old woman. But this week the show featured this interesting segment:
In it, a Denver couple explains how they made a pact to themselves to have sex for 101 consecutive days, thereby enacting the opposite of some bizarre Danish ritual in which people from the Netherlands abstain from sex for 100 days in order to increase the potency of their marijuana (or something to that effect, I wasn't listening that closely). The Browns surmised that their experiment would lead to a greater sense of intimacy in their marriage. At the very least, it freed them of their inhibitions enough to write a book about how inadequate everything was before the experiment. In addition to the interesting interview -- thanks, Ann Curry! -- watch for the enlightening 20 seconds of commentary that psychotherapist and Cooking Magazine contributor Robbie Ludwig provides during the entire 8-minute segment (her advice: Struggling couples should have wild, uninhibited sex on a bed made of delicious pork chops).
Down: Tiger Woods: There is little doubt in any sports fan's mind that Tiger Woods is the best thing that has happened to professional golf since Jack Nicholson had angry, explicit sex with Raquel Welch on the 18th green of Torrie Pines at the 1963 Masters Tournament.* Whenever Woods is competing in a tournament the event draws massive crowds, both in person and on television. Moreover, he is one of the most bankable and successful commercial entities on the planet -- like Midas, whatever he touches turns to gold (unless he's touching gold, in which case it turns into delicious candy for underprivileged children). But all things considered, the effusive praise heaped upon Woods for playing through a serious knee injury to win the U.S. Open last week in an 18-hole playoff was almost unbearable. Sports anchors and writers devoted themselves to a 24-hour cycle of verbal fellatio, in which Woods was lavished with praise for his grit, his tenacity, his will to win, and the way his fecal matter smells like pure silk and potpourri.
Hey, remember the time that Tiger Woods saved all those Bolivian nuns from a burning church? Or the time that he donated his eyes to be surgically transplanted with those of a poor blind child?! Or the time that he become both fully god and fully man, assumed the responsibility for all worldly sin, and had himself nailed to a cross to redeem the world from an eternity of torturous hellfire and brimstone!!?? Thanks, Tiger Woods, for being the greatest fucking human being who has ever lived.
*This may or may not have actually occurred.
Up: Weird-ass promotional news: Let me start out by saying that every part of this is absolutely true, even though it sounds like a load of bullshit. Back in March, the owners of the Dr. Pepper beverage company announced that they would be willing to offer a free can of Dr. Pepper to everyone in the United States if the band Guns'n'Roses releases its decade-long delayed album Chinese Democracy to the masses. Now, the general opinion holds that Chinese Democracy has been delayed and worked on for nearly ten years due primarily to the fact it sucks, which is in turn due to the fact that Guns'n'Roses sucks, and therefore anything produced by the band (or at least half of its members) is going to be god awful -- it's sui generis. That's a legal term I learned from watching Law & Order reruns, feel free to Google it.
Dr. Pepper's offer seemed like idle advertising until this past week, when "word broke" that the album had leaked online and would soon be released in stores. As such, Dr. Pepper factory employees are preparing to work overtime in the next two weeks in the event that the album is made available and they have to make good on their owner's stupid offer. In related news, Dr. Pepper's GED-equivalent cousin is offering a free can of Mr. Pibb to the entire nation in an effort to get Wham! to record new material.
Down: Craig T. Nelson: No, seriously, who the hell does this guy think he is?
Posted by Ryan Peters, Ryan Peters on Jun 23, 2008 @ 2:31 am