Head to Head
What's the coolest hand-held weapon?
Ryan Peters:
Despite a lifetime spent watching samurai and cowboy movies, I know next to nothing about handheld weapons, due mostly to the fact that I am astonishingly uncoordinated. I get nervous when I have to hold anything that even vaguely resembles a sharp object--like, say, the safety scissors they give to children in elementary schools--because I know there’s a 50-50 chance that I will accidentally sever my thumb.
But if there’s one thing I do know about weaponry, it’s that the Urumi is the single greatest hand weapon ever devised. You probably haven’t heard of it before, unless you’re a Gatka martial artist from the Punjab region of India.* The Urumi is a type of sword made from steel that is sharp enough to cut flesh, but flexible enough to coil itself. Imagine a whip made out of steel (a feature which would have made every Indiana Jones movie that much better**). Watch this video, which is so coordinated it’s almost like a dance off (these swords should have been an integral part of those Step Up movies. I would have been more willing to watch them if there was a possibility of the main actors being disemboweled at some point).
Clearly, the Urumi is the ideal weapon for a number of reasons:
1. It’s fashionable! Urumai masters coil the sword around their waist when they’re not fighting, and I appreciate anything with multiple uses. That’s why I made a pair of suspenders out of all the guns I own.
2. Ancient Hindi duel rules prohibited participants from directly stabbing an opponent with a sword for some inexplicable reason,. so the Urumi uncoils and straightens as it is thrust at an enemy. It’s perfect for anyone who has ever thought, “This broad sword just isn’t phallic enough for me!”
3. Because of the flexible nature of the blade, the Urumi is lethal not only to an opponent, but can also be dangerous for the person wielding it. Using the sword requires you to either a) train for years to master your focus and concentration, or b) do a lot of rock cocaine to heighten your senses.
4. Many Urumi are made with multiple blades attached to one handle, thereby increasing the likelihood of either injuring your opponent or causing him to shit his pants and run away before the fight ever happens.
*You’re not, right?
**Except for the fourth one, which I heard had god damn aliens in it or something.
Dominick Mayer:
Today, kids, I'm here to talk to you about the Kyoketshu-shoge. As hand-held weapons go, this is the end-all-be-all of sheer badassery. If the Shog (as I like to call it) was a dude, it'd walk into the bar, buy everyone around, do a few magic tricks, shotgun a bottle of Courvousier and have sex with your girlfriend. And you wouldn't even leave because it was too cool. In fact, you'd watch and applaud like everyone else when he was done. It's just that badass. Now, most of you have probably seen it in some capacity courtesy of the 2009 film Ninja Assassin.
The name of the weapon translates as "to run about in the fields and mountains." It also translates as "throws the fuck down on anything that dares get in its way." It's a chain with two sharp blades on the end. In olden times it was made with the hair of a horse or a woman, but then ninjas realized that a) that was uncivil and b) a chain looks way cooler. Now, you may ask why I'd pick this of all things. I mean, there are some gigantic and awesome guns, and I'll even admit that a sawed-off shotgun can do work like nothing else. Or at least that's what the Grand Theft Auto franchise has taught me. Well, that and the fact that when in doubt, summon a tank from the sky and become a killdozer.
To me, the Shog owns because of how graceful it is. It's like ribbon dancing, only 356% more metal. I mean, granted, it has its setbacks. It's kind of like the cape thing in The Incredibles, where if you get caught on something, you're all kinds of dead. Imagine it getting wrapped around your leg or something. Plus, training has to be a bitch. Most likely, I'd just swing it into my femoral artery on the first try. But, you know what? I'd like to think that if I was standing (or more likely laying) there, a ninja blade jammed into my thigh, the chain wrapped around me like mic cables on an overenthusiastic hardcore singer, I'd only really have one thing to say.
I AM THE KING OF EVERYTHING.
Posted by Ryan Peters on Jul 15, 2010 @ 12:12 pm