Ups and Downs
Make sure to keep your parents from having sex, you're probably saving their lives. And take THAT, LeBron James! I know how much you value my opinion.
Up: Your parents’ risk of catching the Bad Blood and The Clap: Doctors for the CDC published a study this month in the Annals of Internal Medicine claiming that the likelihood of a man over 50 being diagnosed with an STD has increased by nearly 50% since 1996. The researchers stress that while a number of possible explanations exist, the most likely reason for the increase is that more older men are having sex since the advent of erectile dysfunction drugs, and older couples are generally less educated about safe sex practices.
That sounds logical, but based on my own personal medical expertise I’m confident in saying that this new research points to one single, irrefutable conclusion: turning fifty causes herpes.
So spread the word.*
Up x2!: This headline: It’s over, guys. The search for the best / most obtuse headline ever written is over. I found it five minutes ago while I was Googling image searching “punched in the face” (which you should do, too, because I found this). The headline, courtesey of space.com, reads: “Sun-Stirred Lunar Dust Could Wear Down Moon Machines.”
OH MAN. I don’t even want to read the article, because whatever explanation it contains will almost surely disappoint me. I don’t want to go into exact details about what I assume this headline means, but suffice to say it involves sentient moon robots battling something from the sun.
Down: Stupid shit-palooza, 2010! First and foremost, let me say that BlackBerry makes a hell of a phone; the amount of calls, text messages and Facebook/Twitter notifications that I received in the 30 minutes before and after LeBron James and ESPN straight-up robbed me of a waking hour of my life last Thursday would have melted the circuit boards of Deep Blue, but my BlackBerry didn’t lag for a second, and that’s why I love it.*
I wasn’t going to write anything about James and “The Decision”--his exceptionally ill-conceived and poorly executed exercise in egocentrism--but the competition between James, Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert and civil rights activist / race-baiter Jesse Jackson to each say or do the stupidist thing possible really heated up over the weekend, and probably bares commentary.
First, Lebron James. Yes, LeBron James; the youngest person to be named a two time NBA MVP, an athletic freak and a sports star who has openly expressed his desire to become a sort of global brand--the first billionaire athelete. What boggles my mind about the whole ESPN affair is how a guy who cares as much about expanding and promoting his own brand as James does wouldn’t foresee the media shit-storm that would follow him in the wake of burning bridges with a hometown that has loved and celebrated him in such a public and crass way. In the days since the ESPN special aired, a lot of sports and media writers have pointed to its massive ratings in response to all the negative press it received, but I dislike the suggestion that “all press is good press.” Really? Ask Tiger Woods if he thinks all press is good press. Or Lindsay Lohan. Or Jon, Kate and their eight creepy kids. Or anyone caught up in the vacuity of the 24-hour news beast.
Yes, LeBron raised his profile even higher last Thursday, but he also diminished his reputation in the process, and being known and being liked are two seperate things in the world of sports sales. It’s not the fact that James left his hometown team for a better chance to win a championship, it’s the way he publically celebrated the break-up. It’s like taking out a full-page ad to announce that you want a divorce. Outside of breaking the law or kicking a puppy, LeBron James couldn’t have done much else to so drastically alter his public image in so short an amount of time.
And then there’s Dan Gilbert, who should be basking in a wave of public sympathy, but instead managed to make himself look like more of an asshole than James by posting an open letter to Cavaliers fans on the team’s website in which he wrote, “This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.” Be sure to read the whole letter, because it’s hilarious, mostly because Gilbert clearly understands that Comic Sans MS and a shit-ton of quotation marks are the most direct way to express anger. Gilbert did his best to take all the goodwill that would have been generated by James’ spurning of Cleveland, and tossed it away by being petulent and unprofessional. Remember when the international community was ra-ra America right after September 11th, and then people started talking about freedom fries and preemptive war and pissed everyone right off? This is the sports equivalent.
And finally there’s Jesse Jackson, who in turn managed to somehow make both LeBron James and Dan Gilbert look good by trying to out-crazy the both of them combined. The Rev. posted a statement on the Rainbow Push Coalition in which he said, “[Gilbert] speaks as an owner of LeBron and not the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers. His feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality. He sees LeBron as a runaway slave.” Riiight. Gilbert is upset because one of his slaves--you know, the slave who is more famous than Gilbert and who made $43 million in 2009 alone, according to Forbes--got away, not because the most valuable and marketable player on his team, a local boy who was revered and treated like a God in Cleveland, spit in the organization’s face in a very public way.
I’m looking forward to this week, when another public figure outside the world of sports--most likely Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagen--will imply that LeBron James stole the Lindbergh baby, that Dan Gilbert is a rabid anti-Semite, and that Jesse Jackson has devoured a live kitten. Yay stupidity!
*That was a pun, since we’re talking about STD’s. Some might say that it’s less funny if I have to explain it...and they would be right.
**That, and the fact that I don’t look like an asshole with an iPhone that not even Consumer Reports will recommend.
Posted by Ryan Peters on Jul 13, 2010 @ 1:01 am
