Ups and Downs

Canadian sex is way up, while the Hell-spawn cat of Satan is not far enough down.

Up: There is no way that this can fail: Ask any economist worth his degree (ahem, like yours truly), and he or she will tell you that all commerce is directly connected to the inverse ratio of supply and demand. The ideal balance being an exact match of product supply to customer demand, which I believe is known as Friedman’s Theory of “Duh.” Clearly, Canadian television producers have been boning up on their economics, because they have finally found a way to meet the insatiable demand for one key product: low-budget, amateur pornography. Indeed, the Alberta-based Real Productions company just received approval this week to create a new cable channel that broadcasts amateur porn at least 50% of the time.

I’ll let Real Productions president Shaun Donnelly, marketing and sociological genius that he is, explain the obviously-rigorous thought that went into this: “I think as Canadians there is a bit of a tiredness in seeing all American stuff. There is always that thrill for something that is local and you get the sense that these are people you can meet at the supermarket.”

I couldn’t agree more – what could be more thrilling than potentially running into the exhibitionist senior-citizen couple from around the block at your local Aldee at the same time that you thumb through vaguely phallic food products like cucumbers? And Donnelly is right, the best way to express pride in your nation is by exposing your sexual prowess (or probable lack thereof) to public scrutiny. The more I think about it, the more I realize that this is all but guaranteed to be the single most successful television venture in history.

Down: Our declining rhetorical skills: You need look no further than the debates that took place during the Republican and Democratic primaries this past spring for proof of the fact that the level of intelligent debate over serious issues in this country has slipped considerably in our lifetime. It has gotten to the point where, during the 2004 presidential election, I heard someone on CNN compare John Kerry to Cicero, which is a lot like comparing Hellen Keller to Bach.

I find it curious, then, that Fort Hays State University in Kansas would have the audacity to fire the coach of its debate team for engaging in what constitutes a basic and long-accepted debate strategy: exposing one’s ass. That’s right, coach William Shannahan got into an argument onstage after a decision at a debate tournament at Wichita State University and expressed his derision by mooning the coach of another team. Someone had the foresight to record the incident on their phone and post it on YouTube, and Shannahan was canned a few days later once the video was brought to the attention of school officials (who, clearly, were unaware that no less than half of the Lincoln-Douglas debates involved the removal of pants).

I was all ready to write a letter in support of coach Shannahan, but then I read the following quote, which he gave to the Associates Press: “Obviously it got out of control, but to be honest I thought I was in a safe house. I thought I was part of a community that handled its problems internally and that recognized the dangers of exposing ourselves — no pun intended — to the rest of the country."

…Uh, what? He makes it sound like the college debate community is a front for some kind of militia and/or child pornography ring. Ten bucks says he barricades himself and his 19 wives inside of a compound in Texas sometime in the next two weeks.

Up: Promoting peace, fraternity-style: The Serbian village of Banatski unveiled a new statue in its town center this week, the subject of which was designed to help the town move past years of ethnic conflict and brutal war with Bosnia: Bob Marley. Said the sculptor who made the statue: “Bob Marley promoted peace and tolerance in his music.” The town also announced plans to chisel some Dave Matthews Band lyrics on the walls of local alleyways, and to invite their Bosnian neighbors over next weekend for a game of bags.

Down: The devil beast of the underworld: The internet was ablaze with “awwwwws” this week after a photo surfaced of “Yoda,” the pet cat of a family in Downers Grove, IL. Everyone is flipping their shit because Yoda has four ears, and many think it’s cute. WAKE UP, PEOPLE. There are only two ways for a cat to grow two ears: 1) promise its alligence to Satan, or 2) fall into a drum of radioactive material. Either way, the answer to the question “What’s Yoda gonna do next!?” is clearly “Ruin your shit.” He is obviously a vicious beast born of hell fire, rivaling Cerebus for ferocity. Just look at this picture of Yoda and its owner:;_ylt=AmKtVUo6LoVwT3ONcmitH_suQE4F        

She is smiling or laughing, blissfully unaware that this haggard beast of the netherworld is mere seconds away from eating off her face and calling forth all the minions of Hell to reign on the earth. Now, I can solve this crisis in a matter of minutes if we can all pool our resources and get the following supplies: holy water, chicken wire, cat nip, a silver cross, a sawed-off shotgun, and two bags of skittles (for the celebration afterwards).

Posted by Ryan Peters, Ryan Peters on Aug 25, 2008 @ 12:00 am

ups and downs, satan, cat, sex